Thursday, June 5, 2014

Real News of the Day from Fox News: Dog poops on plane and forces emergency landing

The headline read, "Dog poops on plane and forces emergency landing".
I read it again.
"Dog poops on flight and forces emergency landing"
OK.  Um.  Why is this news?
And why am I clicking on it to read more?
I would have loved to be a fly on the wall in that phone call.
"Hey, reporter, this is the editor.  You need to get over to the airport right away.  A golden retriever took a dump in the aisle of a plane."
"What?  Now?  It is 3am."
"Yes, we need to air this story while it is still ripe." (barump bump).
Apparently, this was a real news story about how a couple of dog turds caused a plane to have to land at the nearest airport to air out.
Let's see how else the headline could have read...
"Massive evacuation causes airline turmoil"
"Giant turd brings down plane"
"Dog drops a deuce and plane drops altitude"
"Shitzu lives up to his name"
"Log jam causes backup for US Airways"
"Heavy load too much for 747"
"What can brown do for you?" (I am kidding UPS... I am kidding.... Please do not lose my packages "accidentally"... again.)
So anyway, I read the article and they have quotes from passengers...
(Oh my gosh, I can't make this stuff up!)
"..passenger Steve McCall told Inside Edition [Inside Edition!!!?? ha ha!  OMG!  Perfect!], 'I look up the aisle way and there's a dog pooping right in the middle of the aisle.  It's a big dog, three or four feet tall or long, and he was just going!'"?
Three or four feet tall or long?
Ring Ring...
"It's me again... the Editor.  Be sure to get a quote.  Something descriptive."
"Of course, boss."
Can you imagine that interview?  "Yes, this is Reporter XYZ.  Now Passenger, what happened?  what did you see?  Can you describe it?"
I would have loved to have been interviewed...
"Absolutely. Oh gosh yes!  I would be happy to answer any questions.  Well, there I was just sitting there thumbing through the Sky Mall magazine and wouldn't you know it a dog just walked up the aisle next to me... just sniffing around...I tried to give him some of my vodka cranberry but he just ignored it and ate my peanuts instead.  And wouldn't you know it - about five minutes later he comes back but he is looking around all weird.  I say, 'hey boy, what's up' and then it happened.
He just got this weird faraway look in his eye and then he squatted.  He dropped the biggest deuce I ever saw.  I mean it was huge, man!  Epic!  Gigantic!  I was amazed!  I could see all kinds of corn and peanuts, and a corner of the US Airways magazine in it..."
"Ok, thank you Melissa.  Here you have it.  Live from Kansas City."
"No, seriously, you gotta hear some more.  He didn't stop at one!  He dropped another about ten minutes later!  It was all warm and steamy.  Kind of looked like an S with a luggage tag sticking out.  That dog was amazing.  Took the Browns to the playoffs AND the Super Bowl..  Built a log cabin right there next to 7c.. Code Brown on flight about twisting out a nine coiler.. hey and-"
"Back to you, Chet."
The story went on "The airline crew cleaned up the mess, but anyone who has ever stepped in dog poo knows it can leave a lingering stench."
Dog poo?  Is this in the AP style book?
So I guess they tried to clean it but it was too formidable.  Fair enough.  Sir Dukie wins this round.  Let's not make a federal case about a poor dog that obviously couldn't fit in the lavatory. I am sure the owner is mortified.  It read that he/she is sending out Starbucks gift cards to passengers to apologize.
I don't know about you but coffee makes me shit, too.

You can read the whole story here:

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