Friday, November 7, 2014

IKEA - Not even once.

"My name is Melissa and I went to IKEA.”

“Hello, Melissa.”
At first I didn’t want to do it. I had walked through its fog once before and it had made my eyes twitch. I vowed to stay away. But time passed and my memory faded. I thought maybe it would be different this time.  It was so cheap.  Everyone was doing it.

Other moms had done it and they were OK. Maybe I would be OK just this once. After all, I had never done it before. How bad could it be?

Well, it started out fine and then it got really bad.

Here is my journal from that day:

10am:  I am excited for my trip. I have never scored any in the past and I think I have enough money to get the good stuff.

10:20am:  I have arrived and am feeling good. I show them my money. I breathe it all in. Suddenly I am amazed by all of the things that I see.

10:30am:  I see dressers and chairs everywhere.

10:45am:  Lots of boxes. My cart won’t steer straight…

11:00am:  I have to go to the bathroom but I don’t know where I am.

11:15am:  I can see the bathrooms but I can’t get there.

11:30am:  I feel lost and smell meatballs but all I see are patterns.

Noon:  I try to catch one of the Swedish-made, simply-designed household items that are towering over me but apparently I have to carry it off the twenty foot shelves with my superhuman strength and my own imaginary ladder.

1 pm:  I am pale and sweating but the magical elf turns off her special light just as I arrive with 600 pounds of compressed sawdust and Elmer’s glue on my back. I utter swear words under my breath and look for another “helper.”

2pm:  I am reduced to simultaneously getting Tourette’s and my first hernia when elf after elf magically disappears when I need to load my sleigh.

3pm:  I have no idea how I got home.

4pm:  I am tired and have a headache.  My vision is becoming clear.  Oh God, What have I done?

4:20pm:  haaa haaa... it is 4:20.

4:30pm:  I creep slowly over to two ginormous boxes that are in the middle of the living room. There is a pamphlet. Apparently someone was kind enough to draw a picture of me in it.

5pm:  There is more. WTF??!! Did two year olds pack this?

5:20pm:  I call IKEA and yell at them because there is something missing.

5:45pm:  I find the missing piece.

6:pm:  I watch the “wood” split as I put a square peg in a round hole. I see another diagram…  uh… this is NOT what I did, thank you very much. Not exactly sure WHAT this guy did...
7pm:  I start shaking and open a bottle of vodka.

7:30pm:  No longer shaking.

8pm:  I am drinkng heavlyly and no longer care about your stinking instrucshuns.

9pm: My daughters come in and tell me that they get scared when Mommy yells at the furniture.

At five a.m. the next day I wake up next to a shovel, a roll of duct tape and three daughters that LOVE their new dresser.

IKEA – Not even once.