“Hello, Melissa.”At first I didn’t want to do it. I had walked through its fog once before and it had made my eyes twitch. I vowed to stay away. But time passed and my memory faded. I thought maybe it would be different this time. It was so cheap. Everyone was doing it.
Other moms had done it and they were OK. Maybe I would be OK just this once. After all, I had never done it before. How bad could it be?
Well, it started out fine and then it got really bad.
Here is my journal from that day:
10am: I am excited for my trip. I have never scored any in the past and I think I have enough money to get the good stuff.
10:20am: I have arrived and am feeling good. I show them my money. I breathe it all in. Suddenly I am amazed by all of the things that I see.
10:30am: I see dressers and chairs everywhere.
10:45am: Lots of boxes. My cart won’t steer straight…
11:00am: I have to go to the bathroom but I don’t know where I am.
11:15am: I can see the bathrooms but I can’t get there.
11:30am: I feel lost and smell meatballs but all I see are patterns.
Noon: I try to catch one of the Swedish-made, simply-designed household items that are towering over me but apparently I have to carry it off the twenty foot shelves with my superhuman strength and my own imaginary ladder.
1 pm: I am pale and sweating but the magical elf turns off her special light just as I arrive with 600 pounds of compressed sawdust and Elmer’s glue on my back. I utter swear words under my breath and look for another “helper.”
2pm: I am reduced to simultaneously getting Tourette’s and my first hernia when elf after elf magically disappears when I need to load my sleigh.
3pm: I have no idea how I got home.
4pm: I am tired and have a headache. My vision is becoming clear. Oh God, What have I done?
4:20pm: haaa haaa... it is 4:20.
4:30pm: I creep slowly over to two ginormous boxes that are in the middle of the living room. There is a pamphlet. Apparently someone was kind enough to draw a picture of me in it.
5:20pm: I call IKEA and yell at them because there is something missing.
5:45pm: I find the missing piece.
6:pm: I watch the “wood” split as I put a square peg in a round hole. I see another diagram… uh… this is NOT what I did, thank you very much. Not exactly sure WHAT this guy did...
7:30pm: No longer shaking.
8pm: I am drinkng heavlyly and no longer care about your stinking instrucshuns.
9pm: My daughters come in and tell me that they get scared when Mommy yells at the furniture.
At five a.m.the next day I wake up next to a shovel, a roll of duct tape and three daughters that LOVE their new dresser.
IKEA – Not even once.