"My name is Melissa and I went to IKEA.”
“Hello, Melissa.”
At first I didn’t want to do it. I had walked through its
fog once before and it had made my eyes twitch. I vowed to stay away. But time
passed and my memory faded. I thought maybe it would be different this time. It was so cheap. Everyone was doing it.Other moms had done it and they were OK. Maybe I would be OK just this once. After all, I had never done it before. How bad could it be?
Well, it started out fine and then it got really bad.
Here is my journal from that day:
10am: I am excited
for my trip. I have never scored any in the past and I think I have enough
money to get the good stuff.
10:20am: I have
arrived and am feeling good. I show them my money. I breathe it all in. Suddenly I am amazed by
all of the things that I see.
10:30am: I see
dressers and chairs everywhere.
10:45am: Lots of
boxes. My cart won’t steer straight…
11:00am: I have to
go to the bathroom but I don’t know where I am.
11:15am: I can see
the bathrooms but I can’t get there.
11:30am: I feel
lost and smell meatballs but all I see are patterns.
Noon: I try to
catch one of the Swedish-made, simply-designed household items that are
towering over me but apparently I have to carry it off the twenty foot shelves
with my superhuman strength and my own imaginary ladder.
1 pm: I am pale
and sweating but the magical elf turns off her special light just as I arrive
with 600 pounds of compressed sawdust and Elmer’s glue on my back. I utter
swear words under my breath and look for another “helper.”
2pm: I am reduced
to simultaneously getting Tourette’s and my first hernia when elf after elf
magically disappears when I need to load my sleigh.
3pm: I have no
idea how I got home.
4pm: I am tired and
have a headache. My vision is becoming clear. Oh God, What have I done?
4:20pm: haaa haaa... it is 4:20.
4:30pm: I creep
slowly over to two ginormous boxes that are in the middle of the living room. There
is a pamphlet. Apparently someone was kind enough to draw a picture of me in
it.
5:20pm: I call IKEA and yell at them because there is something missing.
5:45pm: I find the
missing piece.
6:pm: I watch the “wood”
split as I put a square peg in a round hole. I see another diagram… uh… this is NOT what I did, thank you very
much. Not exactly sure WHAT this guy did...
7:30pm: No longer
shaking.
8pm: I am drinkng heavlyly
and no longer care about your stinking instrucshuns.
9pm: My daughters come in and tell me that they get
scared when Mommy yells at the furniture.
IKEA – Not even once.