This quote has made the rounds and at last count received
2,221 likes:
“So often children
are punished for being human. Children
are not allowed to have grumpy moods, bad days, disrespectful tones, or bad
attitudes, yet we adults have them all the time! We think if we don’t nip it in the bud it
will escalate and we will lose control. Let go of that unfounded fear and give your child permission to be
human. We all have days like that. None of us are perfect and we must stop
holding our children to a higher standard of perfection than we can attain
ourselves.” (attributed to Rebecca Eanes, author, blogger).
I suspect the author was just trying to remind parents to
ease up a bit, but here is the deal:
When my children feel grumpy and have a bad day everyone
pays for it. They hit and bite and
growl. They cry and sass. Am I supposed to just chalk it up to their
humanity? Yes, adults have bad moods but yes, we DO indeed get punished for them: we end up alienating our friends and family, get
written up at work, lose customers, and irritate our neighbors.
It is much easier to help children calm down if you teach
them how to control their emotions and catch them in the beginning of their
emotional breakdown. So, yes, Rebecca,
parents really do need to nip it in the bud! My fear is not that “it will escalate and
we will lose control” but rather that
my child will lose control. It is our job as parents to teach our
children how to control themselves so by the time they are adults they will be
able to handle strong emotions without having to scream and throw themselves
down on the floor at the Department of Motor Vehicles because they waited
3 hours just to be told that they were in the wrong line.
If we let go of our “unfounded fear” as the quote
suggests, here is what I envision:
“Katie, what is
the matter?”
“I hate you.”
“But what is going on and why is Sarah crying?”
“Nothing.”
I then go over to the playground and kneel in front of
Sarah.
“Sarah, honey, what happened?”
“Katie got mad and pushed me off the swing.”
“Katie, did you do this?”
“I am not talking to you!! I am mad!! You are a witch.”
“That is fine, honey.
I am so glad that you are mad. It
is normal to have those feelings.”
“Sorry, Sarah, Katie is just having a grumpy day, I
guess. She’s only human.”
OR
“Auuggggghhhh!!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!!!”
“Melissa, what is wrong?”
“The kids!! They
are driving me crazy!!”
“You don’t have to yell so much. What did they do?”
“I can’t go to the bathroom alone! Auuuggghhh!!!! And I stubbed my toe and I
can’t find my favorite watch.”
“It is OK to have bad feelings. Go push the middle one off the swing. You will feel better.”
“Thanks, honey. I
love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Kiss.
Hmmmm….. on second thought…I guess maybe it is a good
strategy after all…
If you need free parenting advice from someone that does not believe in "talking it out" with children and has no experience in child psychology other than the time a child psychologist asked me, "Who is the parent here?" then, please feel free to submit
your questions and I will answer them on the blog.