I recently attended a meeting at my child's school.
I really really wanted to pay attention. I really did. I promise. But as soon as I sat down on the hard faux-wood benches in the auditorium or Cafetorium or Gymnatorium or Foodfootfocusroom or whatever it was called I was suddenly overcome with sleepiness.
My head grew 15 pounds heavier and my eyes watered as they struggled to focus. I looked frantically around the room. No beverages. No snacks. Nothing. Oh no.
I looked at the speaker. He could see me. In fact, he looked directly at me.
Oh no. Please do not let my eyes cross.
I had to do something. I looked at the guy in front of me. Hmm... thick callouses on the bottom of his feet. I looked at mine. Not as bad. Still a little rough. I looked around at other parents.
What does that guy do?
Where did she get that hair? That's a cool t-shirt.
I wonder if she knows her underwear is showing. Should I say anything?
Now the speaker was talking about the method of math that my daughter would be learning. Singapore math. Mmmm... Singapore noodles... that sounds good. yum. I wished they had some here.
Oh wait, now they are showing math problems. What? oh man, the speaker is looking directly at me. I gave a slight head tilt, almost imperceptible eyebrow lift, interested expression.
Whew. It worked. Why are there so many math problems? Don't they know I don't care? Oh, Jeez I am a bad parent.
Now time for questions? I hope no one has any. What?! That is like, ten hands up. Come on, people. What? Seriously? Is this stuff that complicated?
I wondered what would happen if I raised my hand and my left eyebrow at the same time and said:
"As a nuclear physicist, I think your approach is top notch. Thank you so much."
"In my work as a neurosurgeon at one of the top hospitals in the country I must say that we use this method quite often. Bravo! Now let's adjourn."
After what seemed like an eternity of the same question being rephrased by twenty different people we were finally free.
I looked at the student projects in the hallway on the way out.
"Nice job, Uranus. Glad to see you are still a planet."
It never gets old.