I am not particularly hungry this morning but I could eat one or two of my offspring.
Imagine the change in behavior if my children knew that I could eat them.
There they would be just sassing me like there is no tomorrow and then one of them pauses to take a break from their improvisational performance. But I am no longer standing in front of them. I have receded to the shadows behind the couch.
"Uh oh... is that Mom?"
"What? Oh crap."
They peer behind the couch. I am sitting perfectly still. My pupils have completely dilated and my gaze is fixed on the biggest one.
I lick my lips and rub my hands together.
"Mom? Hey mom? Mom? Mom? Mother? Mama? Mommy? Ma? Beautiful mom? Mom!!!!"
My thigh muscle twitches.
The little one yells, "You better run!!!"
Before the big one can roll her eyes again (which would make it the fifth time this morning) I have pounced. I devour her in one bite. I look at the little one and let out a small burp.
The little one and I make eye contact.
She picks her jumper up from the floor and finishes getting ready for school without one more word.